CHAPTER TWO

 COMEDY NIGHT AT PHILOSOPHY CAFE

Knock knock

Who's there?

Just 

Just who?

Just Jests

Hey Hermen, what's this in aid of? Comedy Night on Saturday? That's tonight! Will it be noisy? I come here for contemplative peace and quiet.

Well you're supposed to be a Stoic, Philosopher, so just put up with it. I thought you were a latter-day Epictetus. 

But WHY host a Black Humour Night? 

Because Black Laughs Matter.

All matters matter, to a philosopher (unless you're a Skeptic). Are Black Laughs loud laughs? 

Hope so. It's a fundraiser.

Raising funds for what?

Food Bank.

Why? Is it one of those weird international ones? Bank's vault is empty?

It's a bank for food, Idiot. You really do keep your head in the clouds if you don't know what the Food Bank is. It's public-spirited. You know, like ... helping the poor.

Oh. Then why not raise funds for the Wine Bank? That would be really public-spirited.

Anyway, "Just Jests" is the comedy group we're featuring, and they do black humour. So I'll bring you a black coffee. A "double-double". You pay double, and half goes to the Food Bank.

Ha! I don't like it black, and I don't want it double, so just bring me my usual.

What a grouch.

Black Moods Matter. This whole thing is donation-coercion. This comedy group tells me a donor-groaner, and I give you money. What a racket. What's just about that jest?

Knock knock

Who's there?

Justice

Justice who?

Just is as just does

Oh just go away and latte me be.

*  *  *  *  *

OKAY EVERYONE! LISTEN UP! IT'S BLACK COMEDY NIGHT. MA'S BEHIND THE COUNTER, I'M EMCEE-ING. THANK YOU FOR COMING. LET'S GET STARTED …

📯🎷🎹😊

The music is provided by "The Spookers". They're sharing the music of the fears ... But before the comic stands up, a warning: off-colour jokes may not be suitable for all audiences. And there's no use expecting to hear relevant jokes about breaking news (we're not the internet) but we'll give you broken news. We have a 24-second news cycle. We see the thing on the stair that isn't there. And we offer advice: be dilatory, not digital. (As the novelist said: "only disconnect".)

We're here for a funny time, not a long time, so we don't spread disaster-news, and anyway this cafe's so small there isn't room to swing a catastrophe in it. So relax ...

Is the humour as black as the dark matter in my salad yesterday?

Yes -- black as that which physicists say makes up 27% of the universe. So a bit might find its way into your salad.

Hey Hermen, before you continue, I have a complaint.

You too, Old Soak? What's your problem? You don't like laughing?

My hamburger's not round.

So what's your problem?

It's square. Why is it square?

Because it's a square piece of meat inside a square bun.

It's supposed to be round meat in a round bun.

Look, this is a café, not a geometry class.

And this is not a hamburger.

The meat wasn't round when it was inside the cow, so who says it has to be round now? Square-cut is our house specialty.

I hope you have a specialty price: free. Because I wanted a normal hamburger.

You didn't specify.

 Have a date square -- Mine's round.

Or have a salad, it'll be full of dark slime, like mine was yesterday. And that's no laughing matter.

Everything's a laughing matter, deep down.

You mean like in Deep Space, where Dark Matter is?

Okay ... let's say that. Cheer up people! Just for tonight, be less like Stoics and more like libertines, less measured and more silly. Here's a thought:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Humour

Humour who?

Humour me and I'll humour you

'til everything's rosy 

and no one's blue

Oh great, a greeting-card barista. 

Next thing we know the menu will come in rhyme.  

WINTER SOLSTICE

Happy Winter Solstice at the Philosophy Cafe -- Madama Nocturna's favourite day! 

This is the height (and depth) of the northern year, the short, dark day when deep wisdom lurks in the long night, book-ending it between the covers of hidden lore ... and I need you to make a donation.

It's the day for wine to be mulled, spiced and dark red. But it's not the day I'll be making any donation for another crackpot cause, Witch.

I know that, you Old Soak. YOUR cause is cracked crocks of wine -- but this is the day to give to the Coven For the Conservation of Hedge-pigs, Fenny snakes, Newts, Bats, Lizards, and also for the "elves and fairies in a ring". 

No thanks, Old Hag. Let me enjoy my quiet moment at Philosophy Cafe in peace.

Your whole life is idle moments at Philosophy Cafe. And I am not "Old Hag", I am  "Secret black and midnight hagazisse".

Secret black what??

It's Old High German. Means "person experiencing giving hexes". And if you don't donate, I'll put a hex on you, Old Soak.

Fine, I'll donate one Tooth-of-Wolf.

Thanks! And I'll use it to buy a pot of Hermen's Double-Double Bubble-Tea. Okay, Hermen?

Uh ... no. Tooth of Wolf isn't legal tender.

Except today. It's legal tender on Winter Solstice Day, the day of secrets and shadows when the "lex" of legalities becomes a reverse-lexicon until midnight when the Earth turns back toward boring old light.

I see ... a day of shady dealings. Okay, just this once Madama Nocturna, in honour of your special day. One Double-Double Bubble-Tea coming up. And what happens at midnight? Will a pumpkin carriage come and take you away?

Yes, for I'm also Cinderella, she who swept up cinders, the ashes of coal left after the fire, flaking into shapes of sacred auguries ... 

In your dreams, Witch, in the long sleep of your long winter's night.

Yes! The special sleep with special dreams of deep wisdom. As you know, Hermen Eutics, being an interpretive Philosophy Cafe proprietor.

Yup. Stoically enduring the dreams of the Weird-Sister clientele.

Old Soak: She's got the flaky bit right, anyway.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

WAITING FOR GOODONUTS

Hi, I'm your waiter, Hermen Eutics.                     

Would you like today's special?

Customer: Special what, Hermen?

Hermen: Special Dish of the Day.

Customer: No thanks, I'm just waiting.

H:    How many are you expecting?

C:    How many what?

H:    People in your party.

C:     I'm not waiting for anyone. I'm just waiting.

H:    (frown, pause) Oh. Well, me too, but then I'm the waiter. So: call me when you've decided eh?

C:    Decided what?

H:    What you're having. We have very good donuts.

C:    Having? I'll have to wait and see. 

H:    (sighs)  Right ... another philosopher ...

****************

(LATER)

Hermen: So, you're still here.

Customer: Yes.

Hermen:  So ... what are you doing?

Customer:  Just waiting.

H:    For what? Midnight? A text? A phone call? A bus? A new life? The end of your life?

C:    No, I'm just waiting to see what happens next, and escaping the need for events, answers, results, information ...  I'm waiting for things to unfold at their own pace. For answers to emerge. Birds to migrate. Dogs to pass by in the street. I'm like a cat on a fence in the sun ... waiting for nothing to happen. Waiting for my nerves to calm. And everyone else's.

H:    Huh. Me -- waiting makes me tense.

C:    That's sad -- but just wait, it'll pass.

H:    No. Every morning I wake up and make things happen. I keep busy.

C:    Hmm. I wake up whenever and see what happens.

H:    Does anything happen?

C:    Sometimes. Sometimes nothing.

H:    What do you do then?

C:    About what?

H:    About nothing happening?

C:    I wait until something does.

H:    But what if it doesn't?

C:    Then that's what does. Let Karma take care of it.

H:    Oh, you're that kind ... Eastern, eh?

C:     That kind of what?

H:    Philosopher. Here at the Philosophy Cafe, everyone's a philosopher. (Which means everyone's broke, naturally, and doesn't leave a tip. Except Socratic tips on living the "good life", of course.) Though I'm guessing you're not a professional philosopher. 

C:    What is a professional philosopher?

H:    One with a PhD in Philosophy.

C:    No. 

H:    Never mind, you're perversely entertaining. So I'll give you one myself.

C:    One what?

H:    One PhD special: here, it stands for "Pretty Hot Dinner".

C:    Why, thank you. 

H:    You're welcome. You'll find it was worth waiting for.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

VALENTINE'S DAY

  Happy Valentine's Day, Hermen!

 To you too. Want to try our Sticky Toffy special? Want to consult one of our "romance fortune-tellers"? There’s one in each corner of the café, ready to read your future in the tea leaves.

No thanks, I've given up on romance.

Me too. Actually, most people in here are breaking up, not hooking up. I know because I've been eavesdropping on their "dates".

"Dates" -- a stupid word. Dating is for carbon.

Philosophers sure aren't suited to it, anyway. Listen to how they negotiate their  break-ups:

Epistemologist:  I don’t know the real you any more.

Phenomenologist:  I don't think you really SEE me.

Empiricist:  You treat me as a mere object.

Utilitarian:  We’re just using each other.

Existentialist:  It's like you don't know I exist.

Hedonist:  The fun's gone out of our relationship.

Transcendentalist:  I’m above all your game-playing.

Rationalist:  I still love you relatively, but not absolutely.

Ethicist:  It just doesn’t seem right to stay together.

Nihilist:  Nothing to it – just say goodbye.   

Hermen, does no one stick together any more? It’s time to replace your StickyToffee special with Apple Crumble.

Yeah. More crumbling than sticking going on here. But what does the future hold for you, romance-wise? Have a pot of tea and show the leaves to the fortune tellers. The prognosticators might interest you:

Schopenhauer:  I see nothing good ahead for you.

Epictetus:  Just hang in there.

Hobbes:  Your future prospects look pretty solitary, poor, nasty and brutal. But don’t worry, they’ll be short.

Sartre:  Your existence will be whatever you make it.

Hannah Arendt:  I see a lot of banal suffering ahead.

Immanuel Kant:  I kant see a thing, myself.

Simone Weil:  I see a graceful ball bouncing between gravity and open skies ...

Hume:  Empirically speaking, your future looks a bit ho-hume.

Aristotle:  You will make of wit a virtue. 

St. Thomas Aquinus:  Through laughter you'll escape stress.

Mother Juliana:  All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.

Hildegard of Bingen: It all looks shimmeringly green to me.

Democritus:  Life is ludicrous, you'll laugh all the way to the grave.

Socrates:  What do YOU think?

 *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

IDENTITY-FREE DAY 

AT "CAFE PHILOSOPHY"

   What's "identity-free day" then? Will there be a burger special?  

It'll be about not following the crowd. Or, do I mean, following the crowd? As long as it's your own crowd.

Are you talking about Gustave Le Bon, Hermen?

-- Did he invent le bon-bon? Got any in stock, Hermen? A dish of them would look good on my BTF.

-- Not "bon-bon", Old Soak. Monsieur LE BON invented the theory, you idiot, that the crowd is not a collection of individuals, but has a mind of its own. (Or sometimes, a mindlessness of its own …)

-- Oh.

-- And some crowds don't get heard as much as others, so they need identity-group-allyship.

-- That ally-ship has sailed, as far as I'm concerned. So what happens on Philosophy Cafe's Identity-Free Day, Hermen? So far, I'm just hearing no bon-bons, no specials, and a load of racket from "bands". All I want is a glass of wine of any identity you've got. 

-- I know what you want, Old Soak. About Identity-Group-Free Day: I interpret it (speaking hermeneutically) as a day to get free of group-think -- and instead to dream a dream of individuality, identifying as yourself. 

-- Right.

-- I mean, the word identity comes from the Latin "idem": "same".

-- Right.

-- Sort of like all your sentences contain the same word ... 

-- Ri … I mean, sorry …

-- ... and it's more interesting when everyone's different. 

-- Like, I identify as an oenophile and you as a waiter, eh Hermen?

-- Sometimes, Old Soak. And sometimes I'm a jokester. A jester of jocosity. 

-- A clown, you mean. A sad one, if you ask me.

-- I didn't. 

Will this all lead to Disassociative Identity Disorder for you, Hermen?

-- I don't know, is that the same as Disordered Identity Association? Anyway, we'll be having music from a great new band: The Counterfactuals. That should clear up any confusion.