JustJests

Cafe Philosopher: I had the weirdest dream last night, Hermen. Hermen: That doesn't surprise me. Your waking life is pretty weird too. Philosopher: As you know, I live alone, and in my dream, since I have no spouse, offspring or partner, I thought of getting a companion pet. But they leave hairs everywhere and need walks, so I got a companion ghost instead. Good plan! It was genderless and skeptical. "I doubt you really exist," it told me as moonlight spilled in through my uncurtained window. "Speaking ontologically," I told the ghost, "that's a pretty meaty philosophical proposition from a ghost." "Okay, on to logic then," said Ghost. "How rational would it be for me to assume you exist? You may be a mere figment of my ghostly imagination." "A mere figure on the mindscape ... yes. But I figure the answer's too elusive to grasp so late at night. Let's discuss it in the morning." "I'm not much of a morn...

-- I was tired. -- You're always tired -- like a cartoon cat that sleeps all day. Y ou do look a bit drawn. -- Because I'm tired. I've been busy. It's hard work being an influencer. -- Can dogs be influencers too? -- I hope not. -- How do you be one? -- By example. Haven't you seen my face on a thousand comic greeting cards? -- Of course. The face that launches a thousand quips on cards for Crazy Cat Ladies to buy for other Crazy Cat Ladies. -- Why not? I'm a Crazy Lady Cat. -- Yes. And I'm a Sane Gentleman Dog. -- I thought you were a guard dog. What do you see outside this window, watching all day? -- Tons of stuff you know nothing about, since you're usually asleep. -- I'm dreaming. I'm a Weekend Worrier. I have to work things out, and then share my wisdom with the world. -- You should start a mogcast. But you don't see what I see because I look out the window. -- And you see what? -- Well, did you know there are hens in that yard across t...

  You know what day it is, Hermen? No, Witch. Should I? Did Hesiod mention it? My job is all WORKS OF DAYS. Stoically, I never take a play day. This one 's the longest day. Sol's Day. So  w ho's Saul? Gloomy old desert scholar, was he? No. Sol! The Sun! It's the summer solstice, when the sun's at its highest point of the year and the shadows at their shortest at noon, as Ovid put it . Oh, Ovid. More sybaritic than stoic, that one. Well, t he shadows have to be at their shortest some time, you gloomy old git. It's fact.  Truth. Yeah? "Veritas"? Is it in your vino?  The sun was certainly in the grapes. Meaning what? Vino is vino, truth is illusion. What do you mean, "meaning what"? You want epistemology? Yes. IS there truth in wine? You mean, in inebriation? Fine, if we need five syllables where one would do. T ruth is in loquacity . Oh great, another four. Wine makes people talk, makes them loquacious. And they tend to reveal … truths. Or fict...

Hi, I'm your waiter, Hermen Eutics.                           Would you like today's special? Customer: Special what, Hermen? Hermen: Special Dish of the Day. Customer: No thanks, I'm just waiting. H:     How many are you expecting? C:     How many what? H:     People in your party. C:      I'm not waiting for anyone. I'm just waiting. H:      (frown, pause)  Oh. Well, me too, but then I'm the waiter. So: call me when you've decided eh? C:     Decided what? H:     What you're having. We have very good donuts. C:     Having? I'll have to wait and see.  H:     ( sighs )  Right ... another philosopher ... **************** ( LATER) Hermen: So, you're still here. Customer: Yes. Hermen:  So ... what are you doing? Customer:  Just waiting. H:     For what? Midnight? A text? A p...

Hey Hermen.    Hey Witch. Have you made a special Maple Medley tea for National Flag of Canada Day? Sorry Madama, you'll have to tell me the ingredients -- never heard of it. I can't, they're secret. Then how could brew it? I've never even heard of National Flag Day. Almost no one has. Typically Canadian eh? It's to commemorate the day the red and white maple leaf flag was first raised in Ottawa on February 15th, 1965. Good heavens -- lower it to half-mast then! That would be the properly apologetic Canadian thing to do, wouldn't it? You know what, Madama-Witch? I think I'll make my own Maple Leaf Flag Tea: Saskatoon berries, huckleberries, pond weed, horsetail, mashed acorns and a dollop of maple sugar, brewed slowly in snow melt. What do you think? Sounds just right for a Stoic Philosophers' Cafe -- we'll need virtue, moderation, wisdom and courage to drink that. See also: https://satiricalscene.blogspot.com/2022/04/who-were-calixa-lavallee-and-geo...

Old veterinarians never die -- unless they euthanize themselves. Old blind people never die, they don't see the point. Old funeral directors never die, they undertake to live forever. Old euphemisms never die, they don't even pass away, meet their maker, breathe their last or push up daisies. Old physiotherapists never die -- that would be a stretch. Old mathematicians never die -- count on that. Old statisticians never die -- at least it's not probable. Old golfers never die, they just lose their drive. Old hikers never die, they just seem over the hill. Old drummers never die, they just miss a beat. Old playwrights never die, they prefer a surprise non-ending. Old comedians never die, they just lose their eQUIPment. (Old jokes never die, they resurrect in new versions ...)

How many shy cartoon characters does it take to change a light bulb?      One, but you have to draw him out. How many car-haters does it take to hitch a ride?     All of them. L'autostop: Stop the auto, I want to get on! How many selves does it take to change genders?     Indeterminate. The changer, the changee, and a chorus of "allies" How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?      One,as long as his learned friend helps him. How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?      One, since he has a Bench to stand on. Why did the judge cross the road?      He has to see both sides. Why did the comedian cross the road?      To see what the judge was up to. Why did the chicken cross the road?      To get away from the bike lane. Why did the stutterer cross the road?     Because he c-c-could. Why did the trans activist cross the road?      T...